Rediscovering Love

This is a computer-generated transcription that has been included to make the homily searchable.  It has not been verified by the author.

“You have heard that it was said, You shall not commit adultery.”  The Gospel today has so much good important teaching. But on this World Marriage Day, I thought it’d be good to focus on this crucial reality of marriage and marital love. Jesus is speaking about adultery. And I’ve often heard when hearing people talk about adultery, say something like, well, I need to be true to what I feel. And that reminds me of those words of the marriage vows. I promise to be true to you, in good times, and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life, for as long as I feel like it. We sometimes don’t add that last part, out loud. But sometimes it seems like that’s what we mean. The Book of Revelations at one point shows the dragon vomiting, this great river, of filthy water against the woman and her child. And we’re swimming in that filth, this great flood of filthy water of temptations and confusion and lies today, trying to destroy the reality of marital love. Love is very hard. But knowing the truth about love, doesn’t mean that it’s not hard. But it gives us something firm to hold on to. And that’s why the devil tries to take away anything firm in this and all the confusion. So, Jesus in the Gospel is calling us to a revolution of love. We know that there’s so many relationships that end in disaster in our culture. And so, Jesus, as I say, is calling us to a revolution, a whole different way of understanding what love is. And so, I’m going to be focusing today especially on the love between a husband and wife. But a lot of this is actually true for any true love, for any true friendship. We hear a lot today, people say the slogan today, “love is love.” Love is love, right? How can you argue with that? Right? Of course, love is love. But is that actually true? That is, when we use the word love, do we always mean the same thing? Or are there very different types of what we mean by love? St. Thomas Aquinas, and following Aristotle gives an explanation, which at first might seem technical, but I think actually is very practical, very helpful. So, he says, “To love is to want or to will good to someone.” To love is to want good to someone, whether that person is yourself or someone else. So, let’s just take an example. We’ll call a friend, we’ll call him Barnaby, Barnaby and say Barnaby is arriving from a long journey. He’s hungry. He’s coming to Texas. And so, you want to make him happy. So, you want to give him, since this is Texas, a Texas barbecue meal, good Texas barbecue meal with lots of fat. That’s the part I like, the ones with a lot of fat. And since we’re here near New Braunfels, maybe with sausage too, I like that a lot too. So good sausage, good Texas barbecue. So, St. Thomas is saying, so out of your love for Barnaby, to make him happy, given that this Texas barbecue. So, St. Thomas Aquinas says that the movement of love has a twofold tendency. And this is important. There’s towards the good, which a man wishes to someone. So, in this case that there’s towards the barbecue, the barbecue meal, the love for the barbecue meal.  You really like barbecue, and he really likes barbecue. And then there’s towards the person to whom this good is wished or offered, in this case, the friend Barnaby. So, you see there’s two different things, there’s the love for the thing that you’re wishing for someone. And then there’s the love for the person to whom you’re wishing this, So he calls those. So that’s two different types of love, two very different types. One, he calls the love of concupiscence, the love of concupiscence. And that’s the love towards the good in this case, that’s the barbecue. That the love that you wish for someone the gift that you wish for someone, the good that you wish for someone. So that’s the love of concupiscence.  Then there’s the love of friendship. And that’s the love, the attitude you have towards the friend, or in this case, Barnaby. And so, those two different types of love. One is something that gives you pleasure, or are is useful. And the other is the person to whom you wish this good. Again, whether a person is yourself or someone else. So, towards a person, towards a friend, or the proper love, of course, it’s always a love of friendship. You know that the sign that they’re a friend is that you want something good for them. And Jesus calls us to have that attitude towards everyone, to want something good for them. But when instead of treating the person, as the person for whom you want something good, on the contrary, you want to use that person for the pleasure or for the utility, for you, then you’re not treating a person as a friend, but as something to be used, again for selfishness, for lust, for greed. So, you see this, we often call both of those love, but they’re very different attitudes. And so, when Jesus is speaking of Christian love, the love that there should be between a husband and wife, and it gives – rather, excuse me, this is St. Paul, who gives this example of Jesus and this is in Ephesians 5, the famous passage in Ephesians 5. He says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for Her, that He might sanctify Her.” And so, we’re going to look, I think this is such an important topic that it’s worth spending some time on, so we’re going to look at three key points. So ,as St. Thomas said, this love or friendship is willing the good for the other person. So, I’m going to simplify that into three words. Willing another’s good, willing another’s good. And so, we’re going to look at those three different points, willing another’s good, so we can make an acronym out of that. Wag, wag, wag, willing another’s good. So, a little way to remember=wag. True love is wag, willing another’s good. So, let’s look at the first point, willing. So, St. Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Cchurch and gave Himself up, gave Himself up. But doesn’t say, Christ loved the Church and felt really intensely for Her. He doesn’t talk about feelings. He’s talking about a gift. Christ loved the Church and gave Himself and so he’s talking about a gift, which is an act of the will, not a feeling or an emotion. Jesus says to St. Faustina, “Do not be guided by feeling. Do not be guided by feeling.” And so that wipes away almost 80% of everything our society is telling us about love, all the movies, all the songs, all the stuff, which are all a manipulation of feelings. He says, “Do not be guided by feeling.” How can you tell you will love by feeling – Jesus says, “do not be guided by feeling,” because it is not always under your control. But all merit lies in the will. Because feelings come and they go. Feelings are like a roller coaster. They go up and they go down. And sometimes it seems like at the end, they’re always down. Jesus talks in the Gospels about a house built on sand. And so many relationships are like the house built on sand. Building the house on sand is great, because it starts really fast. It’s very easy right away. It starts growing. It’s very impressive. It’s not like having to build on rocks, that’s very hard. It’s very slow. But the problem with building on sand, it goes up fast, but it’s not going to last when the storms come. And so many relationships, that’s the example Jesus gives, so many relationships are like that. They’re built on human feelings. So, they start really great, feels fantastic. But they don’t last when the storms come. Because there will always be storms. And so, a relationship built on feelings won’t last, a relationship built as an act of the will, on God, trusting and built on God, on God’s fidelity, that is the solid, the only solid foundation. How can you promise something to somebody? How can a man or wife make these promises, when they know that they’re weak humans? And who knows what’s going to happen in the future? How can we do that unless we build it on God? He’s the only solid foundation. And so, realizing that, gives us a freedom from our emotions. We don’t have to be controlled by our passions; we realize that there’s something deeper in me than my feelings. I have my feelings. They’re a big part of me, they affect me. But I don’t have to let myself be controlled by them. There’s something deeper in me, in the depths of my soul, with the grace of the Holy Spirit. And so that means that it’s possible to love, even without good feelings. It’s a case in which a spouse gets sick and has a prolonged, difficult illness, it lasts a long time. Someone was sharing with me a situation in which a wife had a stroke, and it lasted for 20 years. So suddenly, the situation has completely changed. In those situations, lot of times the person caring for both persons are in a very difficult situation. There’s a lot of, there’s a lot of people get very tired and worn out. And so oftentimes, the romantic feelings won’t always be there. Does that mean that the love has to be destroyed? No, oftentimes, that can be the occasion for the love to deepen, to become much more authentic and truly the love that Jesus is calling us to. And Jesus again, says to St. Faustina, “Do not be afflicted, if your heart often experiences repugnant, and dislike for sacrifice.” All its power rests in the will, not in feelings. So, he said, “Don’t worry, if when you’re faced with sacrifices,” like this case I’m talking about, you might feel have a lot of repugnance, feel bad feelings. Don’t worry about that, all its power rests in the will. And so, these contrary feelings, far from lowering the value of the sacrifice, in my eyes, actually enhances it. And this is true, in our relationship with the Lord, it’s also true in a human relationship, that is in difficult times, that the feelings might be not so positive, but very difficult. But that may be actually the opportunity to have a much greater love, because it’s a true love, which is loving in sacrifice, in self-giving. And so even though the person doesn’t feel the same attraction because of the difficulty, it’s actually a much more authentic love. So that’s the first point – willing, it’s a matter of will and not feeling. The second point is for the other person, as opposed to selfishness. St. Paul again, when he says, “Husbands love your wives, love your wives as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself up for Her.”  This is very important, because a lot of times what we call love in our society, is actually selfishness, or lust, that when a person says, I love you, a lot of times, what they really mean is, I want to use you for my pleasure, or for my utility. And when you’re no longer a delight or pleasure to me or useful, then there’s nothing left. A lot of times what is called making love in our society, fornication, is actually making lust. So again, we confuse love with selfishness and lust. And I think the example of Sister Emanuel writing from Medjugorje, and I’ll read your her description, and in that area of Bosnia Herzegovina, which has a very strong traditional marriage culture. And she writes, Catholic culture. She writes, “when the bride and the bridegroom go to the Church to discuss marriage, they carry, they carry a crucifix with them. The priest blesses the crucifix. And instead of saying that they have found the ideal partner with whom to share their lives, he says, you have found your cross.” That doesn’t sound so romantic right? For Valentine’s Day, instead of chocolate, give a cross and say, You are my cross. “The tradition, you have found your cross, it is a cross to love to carry, a cross that is not to be thrown off, but rather cherished. When they interchange the marital vows, the bride puts her right hand on this crucifix and the groom puts his right hand over hers, both are bound together and united to the cross. Then they both first kiss the crucifix, not each other. If one abandons the other, they abandoned Christ on the cross. After the wedding, the newlyweds cross the threshold of their home to enthrone that same crucifix in a place of honor. It becomes the reference point of their lives and the place of family prayer. For the young couple deeply believes that the family is born of the cross. In times of difficulty and misunderstanding as all human relationships experience, they do not turn immediately to an astrologer or lawyer or psychologist, they turn to Jesus crucified.” That might sound negative. But first of all, it’s realistic. And it helps us realize that marriage is a Christian vocation. Marriage is not heaven on earth. But a Christian marriage is a path to heaven. That is the path in which we are called to follow Jesus by dying to ourselves and learning to sacrifice ourselves for the good of the other person. So, it becomes a path of liberation from selfishness, a path of formation to the fullness of love. I remember when I was in Monterey, we were at the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe. And so, we celebrated a lot of marriages, a lot of people we didn’t know, we were just assigned the those marriages. It made me sad oftentimes to see at this moment, which is so important, the sacrament of marriage, that especially the bride was so distracted with all this stuff in her dress, and the music, and the camera and all of that. And you’ll think of how our marriages are people who give all this expensive, complicated detail to for that day, that special day that made that day so special. And what they’re doing is actually spending a lot of money to practically destroy their marriage. Because the one thing which is essential, which is the sacrament based on Jesus Christ, they’re being distracted from. So, the marriage preparation should not be all this complicated, expensive stuff. It should be focused and found in our relationship on Jesus. So that’s the second point, that it’s willing another’s good, that is it’s not selfish, it’s for the other person. And the third point is a good, a true good. If you truly love a person, the sign is that you seek what is their true good. So, for instance, fornication, or adultery, is that truly love? If love is willing good for another person, and what I’m doing in this situation is leading the other person into mortal sin, which is the path to hell, which I should not do even for my worst enemy. To do that, and call that love. That’s one of the worst lies possible. St. Paul says, Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for Her,” so what is the good that He wants? For He says that “He might sanctify Her, having cleansed Her by the washing of water with the word that He might present the Church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” So the good that He wants for the Church, His Bride, is to make Her holy to sanctify Her, that is to be united with God.  And so, the sign that a man truly loves a woman and vice versa is not that they want to sleep with each other, that doesn’t need love, lust can do that too. The true sign is that they’re willing to sacrifice themselves, sacrifice their selfishness for what is truly good for the other person, which is sanctification, that is union with God.  That is, I’m willing to sacrifice myself, for your union with God. That’s the sign of a true love. And so, in conclusion, so those three points, willing, WAG, again willing, not feeling the other person’s, another rather than myself, and what is truly good for the other person. And so, this is for marital relationships, for all true friendship for true Christian love. But St. Paul is saying that this is an image of the love that the Lord has for us. That’s the way he loves us. And so of course, we’re sinners. But the first thing we need to do then is let our Lord, accept His love for each one of us. And that’s what the Mass is about. Jesus crucified, giving Himself for His bride, the Church, for each one of us, calling us to that love. And that’s what Holy Communion is, it’s accepting the gift of Jesus, accepting to be loved by our Lord Jesus. And so, we wouldn’t be capable of this love, unless we first let the Lord love us that way. And so, in this Holy Communion, on this World, Marriage Day, and with the help of our Blessed Mother, and St. Joseph, let us open ourselves to the gift of our Lord in Holy Communion. He who is not selfish in His love for us, but it’s truly really in our good, so that we also can share that with others.  Amen.

KEYWORDS / PHRASES:
Matthew 5:17-37
Willing Another’s Good